


leave you behind

by tuesdead



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Grayson loves Ethan, I'm pretty new to this particular fandom, Implied Twincest, Mentions of Therapy, Probably ooc, Self-Doubt, Sibling Incest, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, but just in case, it's not that bad, mentions of minor injury, so I can't say how good this is, sorry y'all, supportive friends, ugh guys Idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 04:33:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17573951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuesdead/pseuds/tuesdead
Summary: Ethan screwed up, he really screwed up this time.or; Grayson leaves after Ethan says something rather harsh. Ethan has to live with that.





	leave you behind

**Author's Note:**

> this is terrible but i like it so here

_**leave you behind** _

“E? Sweetie, what’s going on? Grayson’s the one who always answers the door.”

The comment is harmless, but it squeezes something in Ethan’s chest that was already tight to begin with. Why was it always Grayson answering the door? Ethan knows. He knows, but he’s struggling to admit it right now, so he shrugs. “Um, Gray’s not here right now. We… had a fight.”

“He’s not here? Ethan, we’re supposed to film,” Emma says, and Ethan nods.

“I know, I’m sorry. Um… Gray’s not… He’s really upset. I don’t actually know where he is.”

“Well, call him, E.”

He knows, but he has to prove it to them, so he pulls out his phone and calls his twin, only for Grayson’s phone to start vibrating from the bookshelf. He just ends the call and tosses his phone down on the couch. “Don’t… don’t be mad at Grayson. It’s my fault, really, so… I’m sorry you came over for nothing.”

James and Emma give him funny looks before they sit down. “Well,” Emma says, and Ethan realizes they’re not just going to leave. “Tell us what happened. Why did you start fighting?”

So he clears his throat. “At first it was just the usual argument. You know--I’m lazy and I waste too much time. Which is true, you know. Everybody knows. But, I was being an asshole today, and I kept pissing him off, so he started being really harsh, right? And even though he was being honest, I got mad too, and we were full on yelling at each other, and I said something I shouldn’t have. It… It was so, _so_ bad. And I know better. But, I mean, I wasn’t able to take it back after I said it. And Grayson, he just. He left. Turned and walked right out the door. So, I don’t know.”

“Well, I mean, he’s going to come back, right?”

Ethan doesn’t answer. He doesn’t think Grayson can forgive him for this one, and the truth is, Ethan wouldn’t, either.

“E, what did you _say_?” Emma asked.

“I’m not going to repeat it. It just has to do with something that happened when we were younger, and I promised Gray I’d never bring it up again, it’s something that really, really messed with him. The only other people who… know about it are my mom and a therapist that Gray had to go talk to for six months.”

Ethan rubs his eyes, hurting. “God, I’ve never hurt him like this. He’s never going to forgive me for this.”

-

James and Emma try to cheer him up, telling him that nothing would split up Ethan and his brother for long. But, aside from spending five days apart for a video, Grayson’s never been gone for this long.

On the third day, Ethan drags himself out of bed and follows a routine closer to Grayson’s daily schedule. He works out, he showers, he eats breakfast, he cleans the house, he cleans his bedroom, does laundry, washes the dishes he’s left sitting around. He doesn’t give himself permission to enter Grayson’s room, because he doesn’t think he deserves to.

He pays bills, goes to meetings, and does everything a responsible adult should.

He misses Grayson more than he ever thought possible.

He’s already called friends asking if they’ve seen his brother, but he calls again on day four, after following Grayson’s routine again. But nobody has seen him, and it’s at this point that Ethan starts to panic. His mother hasn’t heard from Grayson, which makes sense because Grayson’s phone is still with Ethan.

On day five, Ethan wears himself out by beating up Grayson’s punching bag, only giving up on hitting it when he realizes that his knuckles are bruised and bloody and possibly broken. A part of him doesn’t care, wants to leave them the way they are and just go to bed. But the other part of him, the part that sounds an awful lot like his twin brother, really thinks he should just go to the hospital and get an x-ray. To be sure.

He listens to the Grayson part.

-

“Oh my god, Ethan, what did you do?”

Ethan freezes where he’s standing, all thoughts of putting away dishes gone. Grayson’s home.

“Seriously, what’s wrong with your hands?”

He’d broken three knuckles--two on his left hand and one on his right, and he knows that there are quite a few bruises from how carelessly he’d gone after the punching bag.

When Grayson grabs his wrist to look at it, Ethan doesn’t resist, but he turns to take in Grayson’s appearance. Ethan’s brother looks healthy, but there are bags under his eyes and he looks tired.

“Dude, what happened?”

“Punching bag,” Ethan mutters, feeling stupid. “Gray?”

“Punching bag? Why were you--Ethan, you’re supposed to wear gloves.”

“I know.”

Grayson grabs Ethan’s other wrist, holding them up to compare them. “Ethan, why did you do this?”

“Had a bad day,” He manages to explain, although he’s not sure why Grayson’s asking. He has questions, too, he supposes, but Ethan knows he doesn’t get the right to ask Grayson where he’s been for ten days, or why he thought it was okay to leave without calling, or taking his phone, or giving Ethan any ideas about when he’d come home.

Grayson stills then. “Do you have an antibiotic? Have you been taking it?”

“Yeah.” Ethan wants to hug him but he doesn’t know if he’s allowed. Grayson steps back.

“Did you--are you cleaning?”

Ethan looks up from the floor, nodding. “Yeah.”

“Have you seen my phone?”

“It’s charging. In the living room…” He waits until Grayson walks away before he goes back to putting the clean dishes away, unsure if he’s supposed to do anything else. If he didn’t think Grayson would hit him, he wouldn’t let his brother out of his sight.

“You tried to call twice?”

“The first time was because I didn’t realize you’d left your phone. The second was because James and Emma told me to and I guess I decided to demonstrate instead of just tell them you left it.” Ethan turns off the kitchen light and paces around the house, checking the doors to make sure they’re locked and making sure the rooms are clean.

“Dude, what are you doing?”

“I’m… making sure the doors are locked? And that everything’s put away where it belongs?” Ethan isn’t sure why Grayson’s asking. He wanted Ethan to change, wanted him to be more responsible, and Ethan’s really _trying_. Why is Grayson giving him that look?

“Why?”

Ethan shrugs. “Because you do it. Grayson--you weren’t here for ten days. You just left. I called everybody I knew, I didn’t know where you were, if you were okay… If you were coming home. I couldn’t call you. Hell, I even called Mom! And I get it, Gray. I really fucked up. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t come home, but I couldn’t just lay around crying about it. Because you wouldn’t. You’d be fine. You would--you would do everything you normally do, because you’re smarter and braver and more responsible than me. So, I thought, if you weren’t here, the least I could do is try to be a better… just better.”

Grayson doesn’t say anything for awhile. “When did you do that to your hands?” he finally asks, making Ethan flinch. It had gotten so quiet. So, so quiet.

“Day five,” he mutters, shrugging. He sighs, pressing the heels of his hands into his eye sockets until he starts to see spots. “I’m sorry, Gray. I didn’t mean what I said. I shouldn’t have said it, and I wish I could take it back, and I’m sorry.”

“You… you were right, though, E. I–. I’m messed up–”

“No you aren’t, Gray.”

“Sure I am. When… When that happened, back then, I went to therapy and I really wanted it to work, E, but it didn’t. By the end, I knew it never would. And I’m so, so sorry that you have to deal with me. That it’s still so obvious that–”

“Gray,” Ethan says, hoping he sounds as wrecked as he feels, because if Grayson thinks for one second that Ethan is repulsed by him… “Grayson, I love you. You’re my brother, I would do anything for you. I know I’m a pain in the ass, I know I act like a complete douchebag. But I would literally do anything you wanted me to, no questions asked. I would. Just, god, please, don’t ever disappear like that, ever again.”

Grayson takes a tentative step closer. “Can I--E, can I hug you?”

“Oh my god, Gray, please.”

-

Ethan facetimes James and Emma in the morning from where he’s laying on the sofa.

“Hey E, how are you doing?” James asks, resting his phone against what Ethan assumes is a mirror.

“Yeah, how’re your hands, dude? Like, we’ve been kind of worried about you?”

“Yeah, “ James continues. “Like, you’re your own person, but without Grayson, you’re _not_ okay.”

“Yeah, it’s like you’re not yourself without him.”

Ethan wants to roll his eyes, but he knows they’ve been worried, and he also knows that they’re right. “I’m fine. Also, Grayson’s home. I think he’s still asleep, but I don’t want to go pester him.”

“Grayson’s sleeping in?” James asks, blinking into the camera.

“Is he okay? Did you guys make up? Did he tell you where he was?”

Ethan hums. “He came home last night, but I didn’t feel like I had the right to ask where he was or why he was gone so long. But I did apologize. And he let me hug him.”

“Did he say anything about your broken knuckles?”

“It was the first thing he said,” Ethan answers, rubbing his eyes. “Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know he’s back. Hopefully he never leaves me ever again.”

“Oh, puh-lease,” James says. “I’m sure the past ten days were just as hard for him as they were for you.”

Ethan doesn’t necessarily agree, because he knows that he was the one who screwed up, but he supposes that Grayson might have missed him, just because they’ve been constant to each other from the start.

“I laid around in a hotel for ten days and refused to talk to anybody,” another person says, and Ethan jumps, sitting up to see Grayson in the doorway, looking sheepish. Ethan turns his phone so James and Emma can say hi to his brother. Grayson smiles and waves and sis down on the couch, arm brushing Ethan’s. “I’m sorry if I freaked you guys out. I’m okay, though.”

“We’re happy to see you, Grayson!” Emma says. “Welcome back! Now that you’re home, we’ve got three videos to film and about three days before you have to post yours, so, maybe let us know when we can come over?”

“I’m free tomorrow night but that’s it,” James says, blunt but smiling, and Ethan snorts.

“I guess that means we’re filming tomorrow night,” Grayson says, but he’s smiling too, and Ethan wishes he could see that smile forever, and not the expression Grayson was wearing when he walked out. “Got it. We’ll see you guys soon, okay?”

“Bye sisters!”

“Later, dudes.”

Ethan drops his phone onto the couch beside him and rubs his jaw for a second. “Are you hungry? Can we go get something to eat?”

-

“You didn’t even go in my room while I was gone?”

Ethan wasn’t expecting the question, so he chokes on his milkshake, but he manages to answer. “I felt like I’d be infringing on your privacy. Just…, like I shouldn’t go in. Like I’d lost that right.” He doesn’t look at his twin while he says it.

“Ethan, come on, it’s not… I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“No, I did it to me.”

“How long is it gonna be before you can look at me again?”

He feels like a bucket of ice water has been poured on him. Of course, Grayson would think Ethan felt uncomfortable being around him.

Ethan looks him in the eye. “Gray, I’m not ashamed of you, and I never will be. I’m ashamed of how I acted toward you, and I feel like I’m… I just don’t deserve you, okay, and you’re back and I still feel like you’re gone.”

“I’m not going anywhere, E. I felt like… I needed to give you time away from me because I’m… messed up… And maybe, if a few days passed, you’d be able to let it go.”

“Grayson, one day is too long, let alone ten.”

“And you wonder why I feel the way I do?!”

“No! Grayson, you’re not messed up, okay? You’re perfect, and I missed you, and I thought I’d pushed you away. I thought you were done with me.”

The car is quiet for a moment, and even though they’re parked, Ethan’s mind is telling him to pull over and think. Maybe it’s a metaphor? A hyperbole? He can’t remember which is which.

“I’m never gonna be done with you, Ethan.”

Ethan feels like he can breathe again.

“I know that you don’t feel the way I do. And I’m not… trying to do anything. But sometimes, when you look at me, I wish I could. And I wish you’d look at me like that all the time. And I hate that I can’t separate being your brother and… feeling the way I do. And I need to shut up now because you really don’t want or need to hear this shit.”

“Gray, if you can’t talk to me, then who can you can talk to? You’re really not freaking me out.”

“As if you really want me to ask if you’d be a bottom or a top.”

Ethan shrugs. “Both, I suppose. You’re prettier than me, but your dick is also a little bigger, so–”

_“Ethan!”_

“What? You brought it up!”

“I didn’t expect you to answer!”

“But you were curious, were you not?”

He sighs, leaning his head back. “Yeah, but now I’m thinking about it!”

“So what?” Ethan shrugs. He was kind of curious too.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Did you tell James and Emma why… why I left?”

“No.”

Grayson’s gaze snaps toward him then. “You didn’t?”

“No, Gray. I wouldn’t do that to you.” Ethan’s chest feels tight. “Grayson… Did you hear what James and Emma said?”

“No?”

“They told me that I wasn’t myself while you were gone. Like, I don’t know how to live without you, okay? And if I wasn’t so dumb, I wouldn’t do anything to ever make you think that I didn’t need you around, okay? You’re the one person in the whole entire world that I just--I can’t lose.”

“Like I said, Ethan…, I'm not going anywhere. Like, ever.”

Ethan can't help but smile. “Thanks, Gray.”


End file.
